Infidelity and Parenting: What We Don’t Talk About - But Should

When infidelity enters a relationship, the focus is almost always on the couple—the betrayal, the pain, and the question of whether the relationship can recover.

What is less often spoken about, but lays heavily on the minds of impacted parents, is the impact on children.

When distressed parents seek or stumbled across advice from friends, family or well-meaning professionals, it's often ill informed.  The advice almost always is ‘keep the kids completely out of this’, ‘don’t tell the children anything’, ‘this isn’t children’s business’ or ‘They don’t want to know about this’. 

The common belief is that by not telling children anything at all we protect them- that by adults not speaking to children about a painful family disruption, because infidelity is at the centre, we shield them from harm.

But clinical research and client experiences tell us differently.

Infidelity is not understood as a contained couple issue - it is a disruption to the entire family system - and parents who live and breathe the pain of infidelity, betrayal and family disruption know this.

And encouragingly research over decades and across the globe consistently demonstrates what supports children well through parental infidelity. 

At the same time, research and clinical experience are clear that in the same way that silence and secrecy can create confusion and damage to children - parent's uncontained or emotionally driven conversations can also overwhelm and damage a child.

When parents are navigating their own intense pain, grief, or shock, or when children are curious about the rupture at home, it can be difficult to maintain clear boundaries or find the right message - resulting in oversharing.

Children may become aware of more than they can meaningfully understand, leaving them to carry an emotional weight that they are not ready for (even as adult children).